History & Culture

Mr P Badger tells a naughty lie part four

Surprise Surprise

True to form, a few days later & we get two things...

Congratulations from loads of our friends at the Council & all across the city on our new license & a notification from plod’s lot, that they intended to officially challenge the Council’s grant of it, in the Magistrates court.

Pain in the arse & a potentially expensive one at that. So it wasn’t anywhere near over…

Ho hum - here we go again.

We are nice to people, we know lot of folk & we have a lot of friends, who respect what we do at the Club.

Plod had to submit his case in advance, so we were going to get to see what he was claiming were his reasons for appealing our license, in advance of us attending court.

We were really intrigued to see what grounds he try to would come up with, but we never, ever expected this…

Not electric - Porkies.

History of Crime & Disorder..??!

Plod knew he couldn’t get us on facts or truth, so to (what given our past experience, shouldn’t have been) our complete surprise, once we saw the papers, we realised that he had made the (obviously conscious) decision to simply lie about us.

He wanted us shut by 3am, so he'd made up a 100% totally false story that WHQ had a ‘History of Crime & Disorder’


Utter fabrication of the lie degree & they knew it.

Plod claimed that over 19 ‘incidents’ had apparently 'occurred' in WHQ the past year & we were flabbergasted…!

We hadn’t had to call for police assistance at all in that period, it had been Harmony City Carliol Square for us all year – what were they on about..?

Our new exterior sign - according to plod.

Time for The Don

That was it, gloves off & we went to see our top barrister chum Charles the Don.

Charles is the absolute top man, that’s why we call him ‘the Don.’

He could stand in front of the doors of Castle Greyskull & say the words ‘Charles the Don is here representing He Man.'  

The doors would open & Skeletor would fetch him an ice cold shandy, hang his coat up for him & then immediately fall to his knees, whilst spluttering his sincere & heartfelt apologies for all his past, negative, He-Man related antics & treachery.

Noooo..! Not the Don - I beg you..!!!

Strategy All Nighter

We prepped all the night before, then gave Charles the Don all the background info. We talked it all through, discussed every possible scenario, coming at it from every imaginable angle. 

Then we made a plan of action & with the Don firmly on board, we now had a proper crew & killer strategy for the upcoming dust up.

So off we trotted to court on January 3rd 2006.

A legal Ringmaster in pack of lies, is a ticket to the courtroom circus - with the best seats in the house.

A High Price for Hockle

Plod had a lot riding on this, that’s why he was making up daft stories to create a false & negative impression of WHQ with the Magistrates. Lets just call them what they were - lies.

He thought if WHQ broke through & successfully stood up to his attempt at strong-arming the city, it might open the floodgates. But we didn’t care about that, as we live in the real world, not the 80s anymore & knew that wouldn’t happen.

The law said we should be judged on our merits & we were going to do everything possible to ensure that we were.

More to the point, the Sweeney kid had spat in our face & we can't possibly permit that.

Fantasy Island

Court with the Don was a dream, the lesson being always do your homework & you’re sure to pass your exams.

Plod's boy was so far out of his depth it was honestly & utterly painful to watch... All he had on his plate was his ‘All the same / death on the streets / WHQ vs Lapdancing Club, virtually identical' vibe.

'I seee the plane...! I seee the plane...!!'

He thought it was still the good old days, when magistrates just followed his lead, he simply wasn’t ready for the new world order. 

The Claude just talked condescendingly & still tried to make out that WHQ was exactly the same as all the Bigg Market waffle houses. WHQ was attempting to execute an evil plan, to deceive the council, cops & the public, etc., etc. Poor lad, this nonsense wasn’t going to wash for him today...

He must have forgotten his last spanking from us. Granted he'd been franticly spading away at the time, but that was no excuse for not clocking the indisputable fact, that we are WHQ & WHQ prepares.

Dispute yo' ass sucka..!

The Don Warms Up

Charles the Don gave all the coppers on the stand the full treatment including...

‘Have you ever been to WHQ’ – ‘No’.

‘Do you know any officers who have ever been to WHQ’ – ‘No’.

‘Now why do you think that might be..?’ ‘Errrr….’  - red face.

So as every single one of them had no idea what they were talking about, that was exactly how they presented to the Magistrates.

A proper dog ate the homework of a job.

The Great Be-Ro Massacre

The Don then reminded them, of that lovely favour we’d done plod earlier, you remember don’t you..? The one 6 months ago with all the little Goths, that we did in good faith..?

With that now introduced to the court, he then proceeded to knot it, tightly, around their barrister & witnesses necks, a little like this….

‘If as you claim, WHQ is identical to all other premises, why did you specifically choose WHQ Club to assist you in the care of minors..? Why not ask anywhere else..?

Good question.

'If WHQ has a ‘History of Crime & Disorder’ why did your senior officer ask them to take care of all the Goths..?'

'The little Goths, that were minors..?'

'The little Goths, that were minors, with the Be-Ro on their faces..?’

'The little Goths, that were minors, with the Be-Ro on their faces, who dance about like loons to Marilyn Manson..?’

'Those same little Goths, that your Police force couldn’t handle & had to turn to WHQ, as the only Club in the city that would help you..?'

Hmmm..? We're waiting...

'Is this court to believe, that senior Police Officers didn’t care, that they were sending all the little Goths, that were minors, with Be-ro on their faces, into what you today now claim, is this criminally disorderly premises..?'

'Or is it the case that WHQ is a totally exemplary place, a model of best practice & social awareness..? Which is why the Police specifically asked them, to assist in the care of minors in the first place & these spurious claims of a history of crime & disorder, are totally fictitious & simply cobbled up on the spot, to suit your lazy, plod ass..?’

It can’t possibly be both, so Mr P Badger, please tell us, which is the truth..?

‘Well, which is it..?’

Hello Mr. Badger, which crew is it again, that looks totally fucked now..?

Laddie Time by The Red Sea

Stunning..! The Don just sliced them limb from limb, beating them all so hard with those little Goths, that the entire courtroom almost found themselves coughing & spluttering, with Be-ro lung.

The only thing we would have liked to see the Don tweak, was to maybe use the word ‘Laddie…’

We so wished he’d called them that.

Just imagine...

‘Well, which is it Laddie..?’ – Ha!

Well readers, which is it indeed..? Would you believe it..??!

It turns out (of course) - it was the latter…

Drum roll...

This was ‘Moses’ type, biblical, Red Sea shit, as if the tide suddenly went out & the entire courtroom could all see that everyone (bar plod) had their swimming trunks on…

There he was, all shriveled, nekked & exposed.

Once Charles the Don had made the tide go out,  he now drilled down into little nekked plod’s ‘Crime & Disorder’ concoction...

Shriveled, nekked & exposed.

Pants on Fire

Didn’t take him long to establish that was simply 19 lost mobile phones.

(Sharp intake of breathe & then audible gasp from readership..!)

Yes you heard right, WHQ’s plod-concocted 'History, of Crime & Disorder' actually amounted to 19 lost mobile phones..!!

The vibe of the courtroom & Magistrates went from Biblical Red Sea to - absolute disbelief & outrage...

Plod had simply fabricated everything, hoping we wouldn’t drill down on them. He'd peddled an illusion to the Magistrates, in a cynical & premeditated attempt, to pass off 19 lost mobile phones as a ‘History of Crime & Disorder.'

Oh - my - Days..!!

Curtain Falls on Plod's Panto

We’ve been before Magistrates in the past. They aren’t the kind of people who just sit there, giving their time freely, so they can just let anyone, even plod, cynically abuse the legal process & royally take the piss out of them.

They had sat through plod's full panto - Pretending this about WHQ, pretending that about WHQ & now, just must have thought...


As if 19 lost phones in the course of a year amount to a history of anything... Let alone one of 'Crime & Disorder..?!'

Bit late for that now Mr. PB.

This Man Is A Legend

Anthony the Orator from our crew now took the stand, clearly demonstrating to the Magistrates just how ridiculous & cynical this all had been, a total waste of everyone's time.

He totally Bossed it & then out of nowhere...

He only went & offered to drop off a whole tray of old phones, from WHQ’s lost property box, round at plod’s gaff the next day..!

(Mic drop..!)

It was yet another moment of stunning, proper, courtroom theatre, of the absolute most exquisite quality.

There was utter silence, as all plod's crew's faces reddened - left to right, like a Mexican wave...

Then the Magistrates did that thing they always do, that bit where they gently lean into each other, for brief whispered chats.

Now the Lead Member of the Bench raised his head, cleared his throat, placed plod firmly on the naughty step & it was game over.

A historic, total embarrassment & attempted abuse of the legal process in this city was now concluded.

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck... etc., etc.

Opposition Splattered, The Don Chips Out

Plod's spurious appeal rejected, WHQ’s latest license ever in the city upheld, Charles the Don simply packed up his genius, dusted a few sprinkles of collateral Be-Ro from his gown & rode off into the sunset.

On the exact same coach & horses he'd just driven, straight through plod & his calculated pack of lies.

The High Price of Cherries

Honestly, what a tasty little slice of courtroom cake that day was..!

But let’s not forget the cherry on top readers...

The Magistrates found plod’s attempted stich-up-panto so brazen & galling, that they also awarded us our legal costs.

So plod not only humiliated himself on a Biblical scale, but he ended up having to pay for the privilege & settle our whopping bill for Charles the Don too..!


(cue muffled laughter - prior to audience of readers breaking out into cheers).

Well, You Would

Panto over, so what's next..?

Well, we'll tell you what's next...

Nip straight out of court, dash home to whip the suits off, neck a swift lager, hop on an even swifter plane...

& the boys are in Amsterdam by tea time.


One of Those Things

So there you have it, yet another key moment in the History of World Headquarters Club & its ongoing struggle for equity & it's continued existence. On the next page you can gain insight into the aftermath.

Some things readers, are worth fighting for...

The truth, is one of those things.

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