Stage 1

Standard, sanctimonious drunken nonsense – inc. pure fiction & a whiff of threat…

Original message – From : John – To : WHQ : Subject  : Serious Assault : Time 4.38am


I require any CCTV footage that the World Headquarters has of me from tonight (weds 27/2) because I feel that I was unfairly treated by one of your security staff, and I feel I was actually assaulted by one of your bouncers.

It is within my legal rights to ask for the footage, and I expect a reply shortly. I entered the Club at approcimately…

(Editor’s note: Spelling – Ouch!!)

12.00 am and was thrown out at approximately 2.00 am.

Thank you John Querk


Stage 2

Kick up arse…

Original message – From : WHQ – To : John – Subject :

(Editor’s note: cue title change when we’d got home that night/morning…)

Perhaps not quite what you expected..? Time 6.37 am.


Hi John.

Errr..?! Daftlad – You require..? You expect..?

It appears to us that you actually expect is to be able to behave like a lairy idiot…

Where as what you really require, is sleep & a rethink as to how you present yourself in nightclubs.

Take a tip & leave it there…

You did a stupid thing & then have just made it worse by e mailing in to drone on as if you hold some kind of authority over anyone..?

Not your smartest move – Especially since you apparently can’t even control yourself…

If you decide not to wise up & continue digging, prepare to be quite shocked by how little respect we shall show you (about the same level of respect you showed us…)

Don’t say you weren’t warned, or get all defensive, when we break you down to be the complete plum you so obviously were tonight.

Bed & reflection… Then a new plan… That’s what you need pal… Sleep now. Love WHQ x.


Stage 3

Common sense prevails via the medium of deep, restful sleep…

Original message –
From : John – To : WHQ : Subject : Perhaps not quite what you expected..? Time 14.37 pm

Touche sir.

Haha yeah I apologise for that drunken drivel, and for whatever I did to get thrown out.

You were right, sleep was good. John

(Editor’s note: next day & it seems like Johnny’s right back on form…!)