SANDRA WANTS FINDUS BEEF LASAGNE

The Recipe

As we said in the Complaint Corner intro section…

(Reader’s voice: whilst discussing rectal balloon knots, if my memory serves me correctly..?)

…we often change complainants names to save them any real life embarrassment.

So for this one, about Horsemeat Disco, we’ve changed both the name of the publication & the lady in question as it’s local.

We’ve also changed the length of time she says she’s been in business, so that no one but her need know it’s her.

It’s amazing that after all this time that local media & celebs (?!) don’t realise, that just because they are big news in the rest of the city, we may not be aware of / arsed with / their notoriety. We honestly don’t know who half the movers & shakers on the club media scene around here are.

Why would we…? WHQ was never part of the mainstream in the first place (see History) so it’s not like we are breaking away from it, or need to be aware of them.

We’ve always been a separate thing, with our own crew, vision & version, of what we reckon a Nightclub can do or represent & what both civilisation & society today, should mean & be.

Let them get on with their things & their ‘happening network & connections’ & we’ll get on with dancing about, with all our switched on Clubmonkey chums & thinking we are dead funny…

(Readers voice: ‘Errr..? I think we might need to have a little chat..?!) 

mmm

The Order

Original Message – From: Sandra – To: WHQ : Subject: Horsemeat Disco

Hi there, Sandra at Mainstream Arse magazine here,

Just wondering can I get a me plus one for Friday? We have somewhere to be before hand so I fear we might turn up quite late

 Look forward to hearing from you, Sandra 🙂

mmmm

The Check…

Original Message – From: WHQ – To: Sandra : Subject: Re: Horsemeat Disco

Do we know you..? x

mmmm

It’s time to meter…

Original Message – From: Sandra – To: WHQ : Subject: Horsemeat Disco

Well I hope so!!!

Mainstream Arse is coming up to its fourth birthday now, its all over town  I’m Sandra the owner editor I have talked to you about advertising I the past I dont know if you remember you dont spend any money on advertising apparently

Sent you some bits to remind you. Click here for the latest Mainstream Arse Publication.

Sandra.

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Original Message – From: WHQ – To: Sandra : Subject: Re: Horsemeat Disco

Yeah we only advertise with our old friends the Crack magazine & don’t pursue links or connections with any other publications.

As such we don’t do media guestlists as we have nothing to gain by doing so x.

mmmm

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Original Message – From: Sandra – To: WHQ : Subject: Horsemeat Disco

Ha,

Don’t know whether I’m impressed or insulted!

We did in fact discuss some free editorial last year, not to worry though

See you Saturday, Sandra

mmmm

Back & Forth

.Original Message – From: WHQ – To: Sandra : Subject: Re: Horsemeat Disco

Yeah we don’t really do the free editorial caper, we prefer to exist on our reputation & personal customer recommendations.

Please don’t be insulted. We say no to everyone from the media, except in exceptional circumstances x.

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Original Message – From: Sandra – To: WHQ : Subject: Horsemeat Disco

I just haven’t paid to go to Horsemeat before, and its unusual for me but I dont know who’s behind ‘reasons to bee cheerful’ so that’s why I asked.

TBH I pay in very few places now, but then again, I guess non of the promoters have ever shied away from asking me for free ed 🙂 shy bairns n all that!

Just realised Saturday will be a bit late wont it?

See you Friday, Sandra x

.

Original Message –From: WHQ – To: Sandra : Subject: Re: Horsemeat Disco

We do realise that there’s a network of media contacts many Clubs have, that preview Club nights around the city & help greatly with media exposure for the Clubs that want that.

We just don’t get involved in that type of thing & choose to be totally independent & just do things our own way, like we have since the mid 80’s x.

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Original Message – From: Sandra – To: WHQ : Subject: Horsemeat Disco

Is this Tom?

(Editors note: Nah, I think that one’s yet another picture of Jake..?)

.

Picture this…

Original Message –From: WHQ – To: Sandra : Subject: Re: Horsemeat Disco

No, it’s Debbie.

(Readers voice: Are you actually that infantile? I mean really…? )

Are you a friend of Tom..? X

.

Original Message – From: Sandra – To: WHQ : Subject: Horsemeat Disco

Hi Debbie

It was Tom I was talking about the possibility of some free editorial for you and I have mail from him saying  to take what I needed from the web site.

I thought that it was a bit strange that you didnt know us! That’s that mystery sorted,

Thanks again Sandra

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Original Message – From: WHQ – To: Sandra : Subject: Re: Horsemeat Disco

He never mentioned your communication to me, so that is why I don’t know of you.

He probably wouldn’t tell me anyway as he usually just palms everyone off, as he doesn’t normally wish to speak with, or interact with anyone from the media.

He’s not interested in free editorial.

We get a great many people contacting us, wanting us to either buy things, comp them, advertise, meet up or whatever.

My job is largely saying no to all requests we get that are not either from friends of the Club, directly related to people making bookings, or us running the Club.

I’m sorry I can’t be of more assistance x

mmmm

For the benefit of context

We don’t just get this kinda random guestlist hustle from media bods. It can come from a wide variety of people – We get it from…

Jelly Baby walks in the doctors – D. Whats the matter..? JB. I think I’ve got a sexually transmitted disease… D. That’s impossible! You are made of jelly & have no genitalia…

JB. Ah yes – but I’ve been sleeping with Allsorts..!! 

(Audience sighs, deeply & each fall to the floor, in desperation – head in hands… Suddenly they stand & rise as one, screaming the words…)

Ha! Honestly – that’s who we get it from, Allsorts – All sorts of daft blaggers…

Deluded toffs, Nu skool promoters from other places, A, B, C & D list celebrities…

We even get this from the cops once in a while…

Trying to flash a warrant card on night out, like we are gonna let them just saunter in for free, while all of us pay (one way or another) – just because they are the Feds..?

Never gonna happen – what we do & the shows we promote are well worth the admission fee. So they gotta pay it, just like all the other people who support WHQ Club do.

Or they can always go & find somewhere that their (illusion of) power day job, actually may beget them VIP status – ‘cos that sure ain’t here with our Crew.

mmmm

Everyone is equal here

All the same & just like these cute little triplets, actually related…

& by that we mean Everyone… x.