Prince Goffrin of Westeros

Season one trailer

(Editor’s note: Yup, we were always gonna save the best til last… This thread contains the greatest breakdown in Complaint Corner history..!)

Settle down for an exhilarating ride, into this Blockbuster world of mystery, humiliation, sanctimony, violence, lies, entitlement & tears.

It’s all here Readers..!!

(Editor’s note: Yup kids, you sure want this one, it’s a Complaint Corner classic..!!)

let’s meet our leading man

We think this little fellow still lives in Newcastle so we have changed his name, to assure his anonymity – Which is a shame, as he has the most ‘Game of Thrones’ first name you could possibly imagine… A proper Lannister.

Anyway, we are gonna call him Goffrin (pronounced – Jofrin) instead.

His original first name was far more GOT, but it was so, so good – we honestly couldn’t top it. So here it is, the international award winning, intercontinental blockbusting tale of young Prince Goffrin…


this season’s creative arc

Every now & then we get a proper one… Knob, we mean, not e mail & this chappie is a classic..!

Sometimes, people hang themselves really high by sexing up their e mail, because they don’t realise that at the Club we are all connected. This isn’t big business, this is still just a hobby, that simply grew over time…

So people can sound like they are moaning at the Board of some big Leisure Corporation or other, based in wherever…

If they haven’t thought things through properly.

They don’t realise that if something happens in the Club, we are right there. Not sat in some office miles away, so we are often very near to & even see what has actually gone on.

E mail complaints like this are commonly identified by acute self interest, paradoxically, counterpointed by a total self awareness bypass.

You’ll also spot a way, way, holier than thou attitude, passive aggressive legal threats, overused imaginations & a glittering, shimmering, stupendous, overwhelming, big, fat, unfettered, pompous & seemingly instinctive – propensity for adjectives…

(See what we just did there Readers…? Skills.!!).

People who have felt entitlement all of their lives, can at times find it difficult to accept the word ‘No’. They think if they flash a few big words around, a minor issue can be escalated into an International Human Rights one & can be genuinely stunned & amazed when it isn’t.

This is the point at which you have to (gently now..!) smack their little bottie…

(Readers voice: Errr, that’s not actually a smack – It borders on a goose…)



Episode one:
The appauling ordeal

Original Message – From: Goffrin – To: WHQ : Subject : Complaint, Wednesday 11th March (Resent)

I sent this email to yesterday and received no response,
so am trying a different email address from which I have received a response before

To Whom It May Concern,

I would just like to say how appalled I am at the behaviour of your door staff at Soul Jam last night (Wednesday 11th March). At approximately 12am, my friends and I arrived at World Headquarters with our tickets printed off, ready to join in with the club night.

Just outside the door, as I’m sure you’re aware, the paving stones are slightly uneven, and I caught my toe on one of these paving stones.

The bouncers took this to mean that I was too drunk to be allowed in to the club, and turned me away. Considering the state of many of the people around me who were being let in, I was not impressed to say the least, as I was comparatively completely sober.

Some of my friends were in the smoking area so I waited with them for a while, hoping for a change of heart from the bouncers and for them to see that I was indeed not actually drunk. After an hour, I attempted to enter the club again with my ticket in hand.

By this point I was freezing, having being stood in the cold, and absolutely sober.

I was told by the bouncers, however, that as they had refused entry to me once (on dubious grounds, as mentioned prior to this), I would not be allowed entry at any point in the rest of the night, despite my clear sobriety.

They then proceeded to take my ticket from my hand and tell me to leave.

(Editor’s note: – Here we see Prince Goffrin’s dog, Clodwyn – pictured back at his flat in Westeros, chillin’ – while his Majesty stood outside the Club for 2 hours…)

(Clodwyn – That was his name, say it with us now, out loud – Clodwyn!)

There are various witnesses to all parts of this event, my friends having been keeping me company through the ordeal, with me waiting in the cold for over an hour and a half to two hours before having to walk home alone.

I feel this is absolutely unacceptable, having paid money for the ticket and being a regular attendee.

Perhaps the most disappointing part of this is that this is not the first time I have been shocked by the actions of your door staff.

At the January event, I saw one of my friends’ housemates genuinely assaulted by the bouncers, kicking him while he was on the floor.

This is not, however, something I feel I have a right to talk about as it does not directly affect me, and the person in question did not want to take it further.

I am very much disillusioned by the whole occurrence, and I hope that there is something which can be done about this.

Yours sincerely,



epsiode two:
the serfs revolt

Original Message – From: WHQ – To: Goffrin : Subject : Re: Complaint, Wednesday 11th March (Resent)

Yeah we saw it. We’re looking into it & will respond when we have & had a chance to chat to everyone concerned. Best wishes WHQ x

(WHQ Staff interrupt their game of 5 a side, to urgently scan the leaf litter, desperately trying to find the validity in Prince Goffrin’s complaint…)



Episode three:
His highness tenders premature thanks

Original Message – From: Goffrin – To: WHQ Subject : Re: Complaint, Wednesday 11th March (Resent)

Many thanks, I look forward to your response. Apologies for sending more than one email, I wanted to be sure it was received.

Yours sincerely,


(Editor’s note: Shall we now apply a little balance..?)




episode four:
balance returns to the kingdom

Original Message – From: WHQ – To: Goffrin : Subject : Re: Complaint, Wednesday 11th March (Resent)

Hi Goffrin,

Apologies for the length of time it’s taken to get back to you.

Thanks for your e-mail last week, we’ve read it & discussed it in full with everybody on our team at our weekly staff meeting.

The door staff don’t recall you specifically as there were a good few knockbacks that night.

But as ever, all people who presented at the door & appeared in a state that led them to believe that they shouldn’t be in the Club that evening, were knocked back.

Whether you feel you were in a state or not, or whether you feel other people who got in were more half cut than you, or the fact that you claim ‘I was indeed not actually drunk’ is, we’re afraid, irrelevant.

The reason we pay door staff is to make calls like that on the way people present.

Having in been a regular customer you will hopefully appreciate that at WHQ we try our best to run a nice friendly place.

That, along with the music & shows we host, is the main reason so many people come here & love the place.


So if someone presents at the door, who the doormen feel may be a bit lairy (& that’s the key thing here Goffrin, it’s who the doormen feel may be a bit lairy – not who you may feel may or may not be), they don’t admit them.

As we don’t want to ruin the vibe inside for everyone else.


Every drunk person who ever attempts to get in the Club probably feels exactly the same way you did on the night in question. It’s never nice to be refused admission & we get that.

However, we also fully appreciate that mistakes can be made, we are after all only human, but we trust in our team to make as few as possible.

We do turn away a very large number of people during the course of any week, for the same reason you were knocked back & each person attempting to enter the Club is judged individually, on the way they appear & present to us.

We can tell from the tone of your e-mail & your use of words like ‘appalled’ that you’re up a height about this, so stop & think for a minute mate…

You have to appreciate that once you’re refused admission from WHQ at any time you have 2 options…


Episode five:
the Squire & the wench

Option 1.

You can take it on the chin, bear in mind the kind of Club we are trying to run, the circumstance of us being very busy & the fact that inevitably it’s impossible to keep everyone happy. Accept it, go home & come back another day.

(Editor’s note: That’s what Craig David did when Bo Selecta popped his career in the UK a while back… Now he’s well in demand again)

Or alternatively, there is option 2.

You can take it in the balls, refuse to accept our judgment, stand in the freezing cold & subsequently complain about it. It’s your choice.

The fact that you chose to wait outside for hours was entirely yours.

It’s not one we would have made in the circumstances & had we been sober, we would have accepted it & made our way home to come back another day.


Episode six:
T’everything becomes clear

However if we were drunk & perhaps a tad unreasonable, we might have been a little more inclined to stick it out & write in later trying to make a big deal of it.

As long as you’re cool when you come to the door of the Club in future, assuming you wish to attend again, which is as ever, your choice, you’ll get in.

But, if you present again in a way the doormen think is unsuitable, then you won’t, irrespective of any grumbling you do now or then.

So that’s the situation mate, we decide who comes into WHQ, not you & you have to be big enough to accept that. As we’ve said, we realise that nobody likes being told no & people obviously react to that in different ways.

We should also make you aware that we think that the reference you make to seeing someone ‘genuinely assaulted’ & ‘kicked while on the floor’ is just ridiculous, devalues your argument, is totally incredulous & borders upon being daft.

If we went anywhere Goffrin & saw a doormen laying into someone on the ground, kicking them, we certainly wouldn’t go back there again & in the era of the mobile phone in which we all now live – anyone actually seeing something like that who wasn’t straight on the phone to the police..?

Well we would have real reservations about their sanity / credibility. We know what kind of door we run & odd, dressed up e mail claims like yours, though we always look into them, are always found to be just what they are – daft.


Intermission – The Breakdown

(Editor’s note: Have no fear Readers, we shall cover it…)


‘All together…’

If you read it back minus the sanctimony, what your letter really says is…

‘I wasn’t drunk, I just stubbed my toe, I feel the doormen made a mistake & I didn’t get in. I didn’t like it so much that I’m willing to use the word ‘appalled’ in my opening sentence to describe my experience.

But on another less pressing note, I also happened upon someone being viciously assaulted… 

(Editor’s note: Far more appalling don’t you think..?)

A whole month earlier, in exactly the same location & rather than take any action, of any kind…

(Editor’s note: Which could have included e-mailing us here at the Club, calling the police, videoing the alleged incident on your phone, assisting the victim, calling an ambulance etc. etc. etc.)

I did absolutely nothing whatsoever & happily returned to that location again, to party the night away, ‘cos that’s how much I care…’

Can you see how that plays out to us in reality Goffrin..?

No-one likes to be told no, as we’ve said, but in this case mate, you have to accept it.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you can just say anything you choose to invent, thinking it will reach a person in charge of the Club who might just think ‘the customer is always right’ & accept it as gospel.

If you really are the kind of person who would allege to have witnessed such a violent incident as you describe in your last paragraph, then do nothing about it & yet e mail in a month later, about a stubbed toe…

Using such claims to pad out your slightly bruised ego – then you are being more than daft.


Episode seven:
the plot takes an unexpected twist

We also received another e-mail from a girl we believe is probably one of your female friends..? Just after you resent your original appalled one.

She claims she arrived with you & she got in when you didn’t, so is now coming at us to complain in support of you, on totally different, bizarre sexism tip..?

(Editor’s note: & that’s not how you spell it either…)

This just adds to your claims & makes your protest, subsequent argument & the tone of your initial complaint even weaker, bearing in mind the points we’ve already made.


let’s meet the director

If you’re still up a height, rather than getting involved in protracted e-mail tennis with us, e-mail this address making your e-mail FAO Debbie & she will schedule an appointment for you to come in to the Club, to talk to the owner if that’s what you’d like..?

He’ll happily hear you out in person, but we really think you should just have accepted our door staff’s discretion on the night & made your way home.

Best wishes, The Team at WHQ.

Ps. With regards to the uneven paving stones, we obviously have zero control over that, it’s a matter you’d need to take up with the city council.


episode eight:
a prince is aghast..!

Original Message – From: Goffrin – To: WHQ : Subject : Re: Complaint, Wednesday 11th March (Resent)

Dear Sir/Madam

If you’d given an apology and said it was a simple misunderstanding I was completely ready to accept this as a mistake and take it on the chin, with the understanding that in future perhaps the door staff would be perhaps a little bit more discerning in future.

Of course I understand the job of the door staff is difficult and anyone who appears unreasonable may not be allowed in.

However the tone of the second half of the email I received though is quite astonishing!

I’m not sure if the email was written by two people or if someone just lost their temper, but I can’t believe I’ve just received that.

Regardless, the email sent by my friend was going to be sent anyway – she sent me a Facebook message on the Saturday, I believe, asking if I was going to send an email to complain as she wanted to.

I’m not actually sure what that email contained, but I am aware she was up in arms about the situation as well.

As for the mistreatment of another by the door staff in January, I remember it happening very quickly and I was immediately looking after the person who experienced it.

Besides, I don’t even know them by name, and was unashamedly more intoxicated in that situation.

Anyway, I am extremely disappointed by this response. Of course, I am aware there is no action I can take in regard to this.

All I can do here is hope that the response you give to the next comment or complaint you receive is more civil and constructive.

Yours sincerely,

Goffrin Lannister



episode nine:
a slice of the ned starks

Original Message – From: WHQ – To: Goffrin : Subject :

(Editor’s note: Clock the title change…) Message for His Royal Highness Prince Goffrin…

Lordy! What a character..! Just listen to yourself….

If you’d given an apology and said it was a simple misunderstanding I was completely ready to accept this as a mistake and take it on the chin, with the understanding that in future perhaps the door staff would be perhaps a little bit more discerning in future.

Hilarious! Absolutely outstanding..!!! Ha! An apology for what..?

You’re not following this are you Goffrin? You have the totally wrong end of the stick mate…

No one’s lost any temper, every word we have said is measured & exactly what we think & wish to communicate to you.

So yup, you received it alright & you should try actually re reading our last message properly.

If you e mail in to complain to us, about what is effectively self-inflicted nonsense & then dress it up with ludicrous, sensationalist, mythical ‘claims’ about members our staff team, we are going to send you an appropriate answer…

Unlike the way you seem to assume the world in general works, this bit of it isn’t going to pander to you just cos you e mail in a gripe.

You can view yourself as a special case Goffrin & think yourself to be the ‘chosen one’ or whatever – but we certainly don’t.

So we don’t think you not getting in was a ‘simple misunderstanding’ & if we did we would have said so.

We refused you admission & have clearly explained to you why you didn’t get in. Fortunately for us, our Door staff are obviously discerning enough to spot a knacker.

As to ‘with the understanding that in future….’ bit, Are you real..?

Can you really be that naïve..? What kind of business do you think you are talking to..? McDonalds..? British Airways..?

It doesn’t seem to have  dawned on you mate, that with WHQ you are speaking to actual people, not some big ‘customer is always right’ organisation controlled & influenced by nonsense ‘Baby Victor Meldrew’ e mails or some cap in hand, ‘touch our forelocks as the mighty Prince Goffrin passes by’ policy.

As you have now so far been (deep breath now Readers…)appalled, extremely disappointed, not impressed, disillusioned, astonished, shocked, up in arms’ & now potentially stunned, having suffered an absolutely unacceptable ‘ordeal,’ –  Shall we promise to curtsey next time we see you…?

To make you feel better..?

With us, if you go on like a twat, which you have, as clearly explained in our last e mail we will tell you & you were told.

(Editors note: Back when he was little, maybe he woulda listened… Ha!)

We’ve also already informed you that you can arrange to speak to the owner of you aren’t happy with our response…


A quick cameo

So stop crying to us about not being able to take any action & get over yourself.

Best wishes, The Team @ WHQ.

Deep breath now Goffrin, no blubbering… x


The Season Finale…

And that was the end of Prince Goffrin. We don’t know if he took onboard what we said, or if he’s still tucked under the duvet blubbering...


But either way the moral of the story is…

That having a name like a Game of Thrones character, whilst being an overly self-entitled, pompous, knacker with a propensity for fiction & then being delusional enough, to pad out your ludicrous notion of WHQ as being some sort of place where what you say goes, irrespective of how much of a twat you are..?

Is not just a ridiculously long sentence…

 It is also a very, very poor look.